“Would it matter?”

It did, at the time, or so I thought. 

When I meet people, the first thing I usually talk about is my daughter. I’m so proud of her. It’s instantaneous. And then I usually get the same responses, almost every single time, and they go like this: 

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry. God sends children like that to special people.” – you don’t feel like that everyday, trust me. 

“Did you know before you gave birth?” -yes I did. And it was difficult. It created a lot anguish in my private life. 

But let me tell me what really went through my mind. 

The blood test at 18 weeks, to test for abnormalities, I skipped, because I wasn’t feeling well that morning. I decided I’d just be back for my ultrasound in 4 weeks. But had I taken it, the only difference is, all these emotions would of started 4 weeks earlier than they actually did. 

When you’re alone, pregnant, no direction in life, and then you’re told you will be caring for a child that will have special needs, and honestly there’s no speech that you will hear that will truly prepare you, two worlds came to my mind: abortion, adoption. 

Yes, I thought about it. Daily. I was not ready, I couldn’t do it, I was embarrassed. And as much as you may judge that sentence, that’s real life. That was my life. I was embarrassed I couldn’t seem to create a life without mistakes. 

Then I thought, okay I won’t have an abortion, I’ll just give her to someone who will want her. And again judge as you may, but I wasn’t sure I would want my child. I can’t sugarcoat those feelings. They’re so real. And other moms need to know that those thoughts, in that moment, can’t be controlled. 

But as I calmed down, weeks later, I knew I could do this. I could be proud, I could love her. And oh my gosh. 

When she looks at me. And she’s so proud, and she’s so happy, and she reaches to hug you and give you Eskimo kisses, my whole world makes complete sense.  I thank God for reaching out to me when I prayed for an answer. I asked “why me?” more often than one might imagine. 

And He reveals that to me daily. 

Because I’m enough for Alyssa. Our love, and our bond is unique. It’s the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt in my heart, in my bones even. 

Fear is okay. Fear is an emotion that made me think several different thoughts, some extremely uncomfortable. But I was in that space. And I overcame that. And everyday I would do it again.

And again. 

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4 thoughts on ““Would it matter?”

  1. BBH says:

    She’s amazing and God knew who he was giving her to. You are not just anyone. You are special because you were chosen. Your Rt team has prayed for you specifically and this old girl will continue. What a blessing she is to you all. Much love… Me

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Cindy says:

    Your brave and determined goal from the start was to give life to this child and to love her like – like no other – like a mother. You are blessed. May God in His infinite love continue to guide and bless you.

    Liked by 1 person

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