This song is everything.
I can’t find a way to forgive myself. I don’t think I ever will. And because I carry that guilt it can run over into my overall outlook on life.
In general, I’m happy. I’m happy with Alyssa’s progress. Her routine. Her schedule. Her life. I never wanted children. But then she was here. And I’ve never loved someone so much. I still don’t know how it’s possible. And I get to love her. She loves me. And God thought I deserved that. And I’m eternally grateful.
Do I know it could be worse? Yes. But does that mean I wake up and say “Thank you God for just making Alyssa paralyzed and dependent on medical miracles for a chance at normal life!” No. But with time will come understanding.
And this song is always a step in the right direction. It’s great meditation. Sitting. Listening. Talking things out in my heart. This is His will. This is out of my control. Instead of focusing on the negatives, the mourning, and the guilt, I can focus on all the positives. And trust me, the positives outweigh the negatives. It’s just learning that separation.
Alyssa is everything pure. Everything beautiful. And everything right in my world. I don’t remember life without her now. I don’t want to know a life without her. I have my purpose. I have my Cupcake.