One of my, almost daily, struggles is jealousy. Sometimes I wonder why my “moment” was taken from me. 

When I was about 23 weeks pregnant I went to an ultrasound appointment with my mom and older sister to reveal the gender of my precious baby. And it was a girl! But there were some “issues” with her ultrasound. 

That day was the day I was told she had spina bifida along with some other abnormalities they spotted. I stayed in bed for what seemed like days. I took a pill the doctor prescribed for me that was safe for me and baby so I could sleep. I was in school at the time, I stopped going to classes. My moment was completely ripped from me. The most exciting day of my life suddenly became the worst day. The day I wanted to forget. The day I wish was completely different. 

Now, even when my heart is so full for my friends and the beginning of their pregenancies it’s really difficult for me. I’m confused as to why their story couldn’t be mine. The beginning was plagued with depression. Of course I never wish for anyone to watch their babies go through tough times, but why did I have to? Why do I still continue to struggle so much? 

Finding happiness with birth announments can be difficult for me, and it’s hard to admit that, but with that comes a chance for me to stop and pray. Ask God to forgive me for questioning, forgive me for those moments of jealousy, and it renews my gratitude for our journey. 

I read a story in the NICU four years ago and it has always been on my mind since, it’s called “Welcome to Holland” by Emily Perl Kingsley. It’s about adjusting and mourning. I encourage anyone who takes the time to read this blog also read this article also. 

Love always ❤