Let go, mommy.

Little Cupcake is getting to be so independent! And, as always, I’m not sure how to handle it. I understand what it may look like from the outside, an over protective, overbearing mother. The memories, nearly haunting, are always there and I honestly can’t help it. Then I look at her, rolling around the house and trying to open the cabinets and the refrigerator and giggling as she navigates the hallways,  hitting just about every door frame, and I realize she has come so far. We had an appointment with our favorite dietician, and human, Jamie. And while she was verifying my hesitant nature she was also kindly letting me know “it’s ok.” It’s ok to let go, to try new feeding settings. Imagine something so small, a setting on a feeding pump, igniting my anxiety. Jamie and I watched her struggle to the point she was placed on TPN. But, why am I scared now? Alyssa, overall, is in great health. We are so blessed.

I think most of my issues stem from the beginning. When she was in the NICU I remember so vividly that my mother was talking about rearranging my room back home so we could fit Alyssa’s furniture in my room, and I told her to stop planning so far ahead because we didn’t know if she was coming home. It was such a low for me. I was blocking everything, and everyone out. Then as soon as she was discharged from the NICU we drove home, and were readmitted. Some admissions she fought so hard. From being septic, to not tolerating feeds, to shunt revisions, to infections, she has done it all. And she has overcome.

I know I  need to let go, I know I need to trust, but I also know I have a lot to work on as a mother. She still fits in my arms perfectly. I still carry her place to place, even though lately it has been very difficult since my little angel is growing, but I don’t want to put her down, I don’t want to spend one minute away from her, because we were so close to not being together forever that the feeling is etched in my heart.

Cupcake, I promise to work on me, but give me time. And everyone else looking in, don’t judge, those moments, now far away, were raw, so I do find it more difficult than the average person. And Jamie, thank you. I owe you so much. Here’s to celebrating Alyssa’s independence, curiosity, and life.

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2 thoughts on “Let go, mommy.

  1. jamieandwillis says:

    Wow- I just saw this.
    My heart is so full
    I identify and validate every hesitation youhave or could ever have- because you and Cakes have had the ultimate fight, you have tackled the worst.. and more often than not, change was not a good thing
    Especially with feeding– I mean MANNNN that was a rough start

    However, the most undeniably beautiful and inspiring thing is you have conquered EVERY. SINGLE. OBSTACLE (both medically and internally)

    That being said– it’s totally legit for me to have ultimate confidence in the two of you & im here (with all my heart) to keep you in check on that– because I see you how you don’t…. STRONG beyond any level of fathomability…. in every sector of life.

    Furthermore, the outside in is a pretty impressive view- always has been, always will be.

    All my love – (I promise it never runs out)
    Jamie

    Liked by 1 person

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