God sends special babies to special people. There’s no way that pre-baby God looked down and was proud of me. I was lost, unorganized, bitter mostly. I didn’t live my life according to any standard. I just didolkolt me, and not my best me either. He saw potential I guess, and I could never thank Him enough.
Alyssa saved me. Alyssa teaches me. Alyssa brings me hope. Even though with her journey we can find ourselves in the lowest valleys I look to Alyssa to bring me out. Her strength and her love is what motivates me. I look back and I was literally nothing without her. When I had my baby I found prayer again, I found a way to talk to God in a manner so effortlessly. I praise Him and the power of prayers whenever I get the chance to share her story. I am by no means special. Alyssa is. God made her so carefully. This is not to lead you to believe that I have never questioned our journey.
A peek into a special needs mothers mind, when her child is first born, ill, battling every single day, in pain, looking at you, her mother, to help her, and you can’t. You can’t rock her to sleep, you can’t hold her, you can’t soothe her, you can’t give her a bottle or bathe her. All you do is stare. And cry. And beg your baby to calm down because “It will be okay.” You know in the back of your mind it might not be. Your guilt is at an incredible high. Did I make the right choice? Will she love this life, or blame me for it?
One of the SCARIEST moments I had was when Alyssa was first in the NICU, things were going terribly wrong. My mother and I returned to the Ronald McDonald house that night, and I sat in the family room, alone, and called my older sister. My best friend. As the phone began to ring I looked up and saw a picture of an angel holding a child and it hit me, I thought the worst thought I could of imagined as a mother, “would it be better if she was free from her pain, in heaven?” My sister answered I burst into tears and repeated this question over to her countless times. I was so full of doubt. Alyssa? She is only hope. She knows nothing else. She is a fighter. She is an inspiration. She is a beautiful story.
I’m no one special. Cupcake is. My daughter made me into something I hope God can be proud of. I will never stop fighting for my little angel. I will never stop loving my little angel. And I will never let go of my little angel.