Shortly after becoming a mother you’re internal instinct kicks in and all you are driven to do is protect your child. It’s overwhelming in the best way possible. And when your child requires extra attention and every ounce of energy you never even knew you had, it becomes draining. But then, one day, you become accustomed to it. And by “it” I mean the sleep deprevation, the stress, anxiety, depression, the waves of emotions that will exhaust you beyond comprehension, the absolute requirement to be extremely detail oriented regarding every aspect of your child’s daily and nightly routine to ensure they are being cared for to the standard you expect (which is more complicated than it truly should be) and it’s mentally exhausting.
For four years I have been trapped in this fight or flight mentality. Ready to demand the best care for Alyssa for a productive and independent future, because, surprisingly enough, me and her father have had to fight for those extremely basic rights. And in between all of this I lost who I was. I had no identity. Honestly, I can barely hold a conversation if we aren’t talking about Alyssa, and it’s embarrassing. And now, suddenly, Alyssa is in PreK. She’s excelling. She’s signing more. She’s communicating. She’s gaining more and more independence. And I have time. Me and her father actually have time in between her extremely packed schedule and our work schedules.
And I’m just … here. Almost lost, because what do I do with all this extra time?
So last week when we were waiting to do our 4 week labs and I broke down in the waiting room in front of more people than I’d like to admit, I reached out to an extremely kind human being who I love. And something she mentioned was that maybe this is me “coming up for air,” and I’m finally paying attention to myself. To my mental health, which has been grossly neglected. To my needs. To finding myself again. And she’s right.
It’s a new experience for me. I can run an errand by myself without rushing to get back home, or better yet, spend a morning with my amazing boyfriend with 100% focus on him, and us. It’s refreshing, different, and a whole different experience for us as parents. And I’m thankful. I’m blessed. I’m honored to be living this life with the two most beautiful people on this planet. And I’m coming up for air. ❤️